"I think I'll call it America," I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath; I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab, he started writing up some deeds
He said, "Lets set up a fort and start buying the place with beads"
Just then this cop comes down the street, crazy as a loon
He throws us all in jail for carryin' harpoons

Ah, me, I busted out, don't even ask me how
I went to get some help, I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down to the Bowery Slums
Where  people carried signs around saying "Ban the bums"
I jumped right into line, saying "I hope that I'm not late"
When I realized that I had not eaten for five days straight

I went into a restaurant, looking for the cook
I told him I was the editor of a famous etiquitte book
The waitress, he was handsome, he wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzzette, I said, "Could you please make that crepe"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded from boiling fat
Food was flying everywhere, I left without my hat

Now I didn't mean to be nosy, but I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab and all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral and I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley, when up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house, I went but she had a friend
Who knocked me out and robbed my boots and I was on the street again

Well I rapped upon a house with the U.S. flag up on display
I said, "Could ya help me out, I got some friends down the way"
The man says, "Get out of here, I'll tear you limb from limb"
I said, "They refused Jesus, too," he said, "You're not him"
"Get out of here before I break your bones, I ain't your pop"
I decided to have him arrested, an' I went looking for a cop"

I ran right outside; I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door; this Englishman said, "fab"
As he saw me leap a hotdog stand and a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building advertisng brotherhood
I ran right through the front door like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor, and a man asked who I was

I repeated that all my friends were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card; he said, "Call me if they die"
I shook his hand and said, "Goodbye," and ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road and knocked me off my feet
A payphone was ringing; it nearly blew my mind
When I picked it up and said, "hello," this foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up with trying to make a stab
At bringin' back any help for my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin, like either heads or tails
Would let me know know if I should go back to ship or back to jail
So I hawked my sailor's suit and I got a coin to flip
It came up tails, it rhymed with "sails" so I made it back to ship

Well I got back, took the parking ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds when this coast guard boat went past
They asked me my name and I said, "Captain Kid"
They believed me, but they wanted to know what exactly that I did
I said for the pope of a rook i was employed
They let me go right away; they were very paranoid

Well the last I heard of Arab, he was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy sherriff of the jail
Bu the funniest thing was when I was leaving the bay
I saw three ships, they were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was and why he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was "Columbus."  I just said, "Good luck"