I went down to S.K. Roze and I bought myself some wheels
But before I left I punched holes in the gas tanks of several of their automobiles
Hanents later, smoke and flames were all that could be seen
Thanks to that old Cigarette-in-the-matchbook trick from "Stalag 17"

I was driving around Brooklyn in my brand new car, and what do you think I seen
I seen Bill Fugayzee shtuppin' Mrs. Potemkin
In the backseat of a rented limousine
I forced that car off the B.Q.E. (another problem solved)
They fell into the Gowanus Canal, where they drowned and then dissolved

"Don't shoot -I'm only an actor!" were the last words Crazy Eddy said
My specially-rewired home electrical appliance szpped Joe Lombardy the Inflation Fighter dead
I took Frank Perdoo to Chinatown for a cyanide Peking Duck
I ran Beefsteak Charley through my La Machine -now they call him Boneless Chuck

Barney Miller and Kojak can't prove what they know well:
That my nitroglycerine "Fudgy the Whale" was the end of Tan Carvell
That I was the one put the cobra into Bruce Jehner's warm up jacket
That I gave Gloria Vanderbuildt a hormone shot -now she talks like Buddy Hackett

© 1982 by Erik Frandsen