Railroad Bill - Andy Breckman
Railroad Bill was a hard-living man
He used to take his women two at a time
Everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer
That had ever driven down the Santa Fe line
His name was known from the folks back home
To the tipee-top of Telegraph Hill
And all the little boys when they were sneakin' cigarettes
They used to dream about the Railroad Bill
Oh one day Bill was walkin' along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kittycat free
And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna climb up no tree
This is a stupid stupid song and no folksinger's
Gonna make a fool out of me"
I said one day Bill was walkin' along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kittycat free
And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna do what you said
This is a stupid stupid song
And as far as I'm concerned
That cat can stay there till it's dead"
I said, "Wait a minute Bill
You can't argue with me
For God's sake I just made you up
I got the pen in my hand
I want you up in that tree
I want that cat unstuck"
Bill said, "No, I hate cats
Ain't gonna climb for no cat"
He said, "Why don't you have me save
some beautiful girl
Who'd been tied down on a railroad track"
I said, "Maybe there'll be room in the eighth or ninth verse
But right now I want you up in that tree
I'm the writer goddamn, I got the pen in my hand
And you're supposed to listen to me"
He said, "Why should I listen to you?
You should be listenin' to me instead"
He said, "I'm a railroad man and if I was real
I would separate your face from your head"
"You ungrateful brute," I cried
"You pushed me too far
I gotta show you I can do as I please"
So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees
And then a tidal wave broke and everythinq got soaked
And Bill was almost completely washed away
Then a big green monster from the planet Neptune
Landed and bit Railroad Bill on the leg
I got the pen in my hand can do what I want
I'm a bright new young talent on the rise ,
So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't
Gonna get out of my folk song alive
He said, "You don't scare me
You might be funny but you don't scare me
And if you don't leave me alone
I'm gonna tell everybody
Where you stole this melody"
But before he could speak his tongue fell out
And he could not make a sound
Suddenly he Jumped on top of me
And he grabbed me by my neck
And he pulled me to the ground
And he hit me in the stomach
And he hit me in the face real hard
And I think he almost broke my nose
But just then a lightning bolt came out of nowhere
Hit him right between the eyes
And killed him instantly
The cat came down from the tree
Had a bowl of warm milk, went to sleep for the night
Railroad Bill is survived
By a wife and three small children
Dear hod, I love to write
© 1984 by Andy Breckman